Life Lately

It's been halfway of 2024 and a lot of things happened in my life. Recently, I am focusing on my fangirling life since it's the only thing that gives me happiness and strength to keep going. My world is now heavily gravitates towards DAY6 again after a long time waiting. I have been waiting 4 years to finally witness them with my own eyes and experience the joy and energy during their concert. Those basically the utmost core memory unlock I have this year.

Aside of focusing too much on my fangirling life which made me spend more money for the merchandise and unnecessary but cute things, I started to think that my life is slowly crumbles.

Yes, the opposite of the happiness I put everywhere I go, I did have some serious problems. Started from the way I had to declined PhD Offer this year because of funding. I am also struggling in my professional and social life. Like I've been drifted away too far from how it supposed to be. I have changed course of life which I neither know what the outcome will be. Although at certain points, I made clear of my choice and direction I am taking in navigating my life.

This is not going to be a long post, this is just a dump to clear my mind and restructure unorganised thoughts that has occupied my brain for too long. This is one of the issues I am facing: I no longer experience any joy for writing down things. Then I saw someone open a commission for writings? I don't feel anxious, that made me ponder: I have been saying that writing is my forte and that I couldn't go on living without it, but where that passion has gone? How come I felt no sparks of joy whenever I opened this platform again? What am I actually looking for? Since when my mind becomes this dull and unused?

Some times I felt like all the things that I posses and all the money that I splurged only acted as a distraction, it doesn't really help me re-direct to the original path. I don't suffer from identity crisis, it's just my life has been crumbling and chaotic lately. It doesn't work as it supposed to be. I have a lot of friends, I maintain good relationship with them, I felt content, it's just I somehow lost the feeling of consolation and tranquility. To focus on myself or rather than focusing on what can I do to fix and re-arrange this unorganised behaviour of mine?

Everything felt like paradox. I am happy but unhappy. I am content but I am feeling lost. I am grateful but I don't feel okay. I want to do something but at the same time I didn't do anything. I couldn't even think to start from where if I had to start. I have lost trivial things as a reminder but the more I think about it, the more I felt lost a lot. The more I tried to fix things, the more I couldn't do anything about it. Do you even have similar experience to me?

When you posses things you want but you still feel lost?