Hearse

I currently don't feel happy nor sad. I don't even know what I am feeling. Is it because I am lonely? If you see everything that I post on social media, you might never know that I am actually alone. Yes, I have friends, loads of them. However I just sense that is it. No one ever worried about me, especially my parents. Though I surrounded with these beautiful people, I don't consider my self fit into the environment. My existence doesn't matter. What if the variables called "Agista" is removed? Nobody will bat an eye.

I can't tell which part of my life slowly drives me insane like this. The solitude somehow made me uneasy. I feel cold if it is supposed to be warm. I feel dark though there's a light. Do I really need somebody to really love me and dedicate their life just for me? Or having a God is enough?

I've never been loved fully, even once. I've never been loved by my parents. They kept pushing me to fulfil their expectations, it is because I am the first born. And everybody in this world got to think that first born should have created milestones for their siblings. I have never been loved. Don't even mention about hard work. I worked really hard to satisfy my parents. My Dad particularly, he told me that I need to be clever in order to life a successful life once I become an adult. Look at me now? How could I define success?

What's your definition of success?

What's your definition of happiness?

What makes you happy?

What makes me happy?

Am I happy?

Lately I keep asking my self, "Am I happy?" and I couldn't find the answer. You might find me smiling and laughing. You will think I'm okay. Meanwhile, I still couldn't imagine "What's next after this?" or "Is this something I really wanted?"

I have never been a priority. Though I tried so hard to be the number one or lately live as chill as I want. I have never been anybody's priority. Nobody sincerely asked me, "Hey, how are you? Are you okay?"

I keep listening to my friends' rant and sadness. I just couldn't easily tell them how I really feel. Because I don't need to tell them anything, it's empty. I can't distinguish which one is wound or emptiness. Do they ever listen to my stories? Do they really care about my existence? Am I significant in this world? What if I've never been born? What if I suddenly disappear? I guess everybody's going to be alright and the earth still rotates on its axis.

I am longing for affection that I've never received. Even my parents won't really understand if I told them what's going on. Let me tell you once again, I don't even know what makes me unhappy. Does it happen because of this boring routine? Or maybe it is just me overthinking? Or is it the accumulations of being lonely?

I keep wondering, what am I looking for in this life at this point? Do I desperately need someone who is willingly to dedicate their time and energy just for me? Does such person exist in this world? What will happen to me 3-5 years later? Will I be able to dedicate my time and energy for a person? Perhaps I'll choose to love my self since nobody love me like I do.

What is happiness to you?

What is home to you?

What is a family?

How does it feel like to have somebody love you so much?

How does it feel like to have somebody who cares about you sincerely?

How does it feel like to be significant?

Am I significant to you?

I think I just need a pat in the back, some appreciation, and somebody to really listen. As simple as, "You did a good job, Agista. You did a great job!"