Being Crazy is not What I Wanted to Be

So, I decided to continue my podcast project of The INTX. Since I can't no longer do it with my co-host, I decided to make it as a journey of mental health I'm currently undergoing. And I might share this post when the podcast is released. 

There was one day that shocked me recently. It was on a happy setting, celebrations, relaxing vibe. We had this kind of family gathering in Bandung, an event that is held annually by the unit I am working in. It was a good day actually. Though I have to admit that I am never into that kind of thing, especially having to spend weekend with bosses or people from work. It’s just suffocating. I don’t like being around them. Then my friend, one of my closest colleague suddenly screamed. I saw her body shaking, not knowing she would having an attack. She screamed, cried, then run from the hotel hall. I had no choice, I caught up with her. Meanwhile the rest of my colleague witnessed the moment in awe. 

I didn’t get real close to her because 2-4 people also came at her and surround her. I knew that I might be get more suffocated if lots of people surrounded me like that. So I took a step back. But these people didn’t know. 

Being crazy is not everyone’s wishes. 

But somehow it happened. It’s not just my friend, I also had the same thing. What differs her from me is, probably she got into the worse level of pain. She had an attack in public, it was quite embarrassing yes. I didn’t know how I can handle it if it were happened to me. Thank God, the attack I had only came when I’m alone. There were few times that I had difficulty breathing. For your notes, I don’t have an asthma though my Dad has it. I have been undergoing a lot of X-Ray and screening, my lungs are working well. So how can I explain my difficulty breathing? I don’t know. 

One night, I just wanted to sleep. I started to close my eyes and tried to sleep, but then my chest are tight. I couldn’t breath. It felt like I am drowning, no air. I was panicked and tried to breath as much as I could. But it lasted for few minutes. I rushed to take my smart watch and measure my heartbeat, it was fine. My heart beat is normal. But why I couldn’t breath? How did I manage it? I tried to breath from my mouth, then I tried to hold it. I tried to calm myself down. And then after few minutes, I was breathing normally. That was the first time I got an attack. I cried. I didn’t know what to do. What if I died that time? 

The other time, I just took shower. Day was passing by just like that. My usual routine is waking up at 6, taking a bath, then I am ready in front of my laptop to work. After work, I may take some light exercise or not. Then I took shower in the evening. There was one day, after working I took shower and then i suddenly broke down. I am crying under the shower, feeling a great amount of pain in my chest. Feeling that I can’t continue going on. I was drenched not only in the water but also sadness. I felt so alone in this world. It took me a while until I stopped crying. That day, we had another video conference meeting at night. I chose not to attend and just slept afterwards. 

I have difficulties sleeping. It comes and goes. I used to be a light sleeper, I can sleep anywhere anytime. My sleep pattern was so good. I always sleep at 9 then woke up at 6 the next day. But as I got older, since I started working here, my sleep pattern is a mess. I can sleep normally for few weeks, the next week I couldn’t sleep til 3 AM. Or I might woke up in between sleep in 12 AM to 5 AM. Or I can sleep for more than 8 hours. You know what? At this rate, having a normal sleep pattern just like what I used to is a privilege. And I took it for granted. 

I started to sense something is not okay with me since the end of 2019. That’s when I started working here. I decided to go to psychiatrist back then. I got diagnosed mild depression. I thought I shouldn’t have to be worried about that. And that I can get through it because the doctor said it was great for me to get to him soon. That means I can cure this. But I don’t think I got any better. 2020 was the hardest year. I had to deal with vicons every night, almost every night. From 8 to whenever bosses want to end that damned vcons. I just feel that they had crossed the line too much. We have all day but why we have to discuss our work at night? 

It’s still going on by the way. 

That thing, the attitude of my bosses, my own sense of duty got me here. So I tried another chance meeting a psychologist and yes the reason why I got crazy is my workplace. To be honest, knowing the source of my despair is my workplace and I know the only solution to the problem is by resigning, I am still helpless. I have to do my job but I can’t do this anymore. I never chose to be the crazy one here. It impacted my on most of my day. I’m still functioning well but I don’t know until how long will I last to be like this. 

And why did I tell this to you? Because I just wanted to share my experience. Perhaps we share similar things, so at least we don’t feel alone that much in this world. 

You can listen to my podcast here: