Kaleidoskop 2019 and Anything I Have Passed this Decade

There will always be ups and downs in my life. Some people even say that my life is like a Chitato commercial, it's never flat. I do agree with their opinions tho. Since 2011, I surely believed that my life is never flat. I mean, maybe because that was when I started the adulthood? I was 18 back then and things got pretty out of my hand. Starting from failing college entrance exam and lead me to achieved a scholarship 6 years later. In this post, I would love to share anything that happened to me this decade. And hey! This blog was also created back in 2009, so happy birthday my blog! You've been a decade with me. I think I'm gonna start with this year, as usual I would like to recap 2019 in a post as a reflection or a reminder that I need to grow up better next year.

2019 marked a new life for me. I literally started a new part of my life in 2019, not being a burden to my parents anymore. I am stepping into higher stage of adulthood, being 26 means few steps closer to 30. The society will expect me to be more mature and wise since I have lived a quarter of the century. I do think this is not the best year compared to the past two years but I'm grateful. I am grateful for whatever happened during this year and again I am grateful to meet so much people that help me learn. Though, I somehow feel sad because I'm getting too far leaving my childhood and getting closer to adulthood. Which in other way, scares me a lot. I don't think I'm ready for the adulthood!

I departed from London, after pursuing my Master degree, in December 2018. So January was literally a fresh start for me. I started to look for jobs in Jakarta, I have come to a decision there will be no other place suits me other than Jakarta if I am given an opportunities to work in Indonesia. Why? Because Jakarta pays really well compared to the other area in Indonesia. I also hold another motive, to start spreading wings and connection to get out from this country, starting international career or whatever by working in Jakarta. The first job offer I received was from international audit firm, EY. There, I put so much hope to start an international career. Turned out, I didn't get the job but the offer lead me to meet this friend. And we're still friend until today because of the EY interview, he turned out a movie geek and we're having quite a lot of things in common. This good friend is Kevin and now he's in Australia. See, this is why I keep being grateful for anything that happened in my life.

Living in Indonesia after London is quite difficult, I have to adapt and ready for the negativity again which I really concerned before I return. In February when I waited for another job interviews and sent so many applications, I started to get my self busy. I became a speaker for my alma mater, I created podcast (well invited to speak in a podcast, at first), and met old friends exchanging stories. I kept being worried for not landing any job when I saw some of my friends who were in London with me already generate huge money. Somehow I felt desperate and thought what if my Master degree is actually worth nothing? Honestly, I didn't feel comfortable at home too since I adapted slower than I expected when I return to Indonesia. My biological hours was still London-based, I woke up late, I slept close to breaking dawn as well.

March, I saw an enlightenment once I received invitation to do an online assessment from the company now I am currently in. I focused on getting the job, despite anything that could happen later. My top priority post-study: get a job in Jakarta. I wasn't really giving my all when taking the assessment but turned out I keep going to the next stage while I also got another interview from EY. Resulting in going to Jakarta back and forth. Thanks to Mbak Ayodd who provided a place to stay during this period. I couldn't thank enough for her and her kind parents. Like, I've been so much burden to this family yet I couldn't give anything in return (yet). I have to repay them back in the future, I promise. Well, the EY interviews didn't go well. I failed though I didn't really got rejection nor accepted. Then Mas Sam (who worked in BI London) offered me a help to get a job in another audit firm, PwC. I sent the application, I got called and attended another round of assessment for the consulting firm.

It wasn't really my style to waste an opportunity so I proceed the application for PwC along with waiting the final announcement from the company I am currently work in. However, the long awaited news apparently appeared by the end of April. Exactly at the same day when I undertook PwC assessment, the news came to me that I was accepted in State Owned Enterprise in Indonesia. This means, the possibility of me working in Jakarta slightly decreasing. The base for this company spread across Indonesia and no one can guarantee I could save a spot to work in the capital city. Despite the fact that I might work on the edge of Indonesia, I still think this might be the answer of my prayer. So I snatched the opportunity, My Mom blessed me too, I proceed to take the job and leave PwC later selection stage.

Then welcome May! The real adventure of adulthood started this month. For the thousandth time of my life, I have to undertook military discipline which I think irrelevant for a person in my age. I have to live in a military complex for 38 days. Spending another Ramadan in a new experience, I did fast fully while maintaining physical activities in military camp. I slept at the forest, cooking by using the bonfire, and not taking a bath for more than a day which I haven't done before. I found a new family, meeting new people, doing anything that I barely did before particularly in physical part. I was in a high dilemma between staying or leaving. Then I chose to stay because it was too late for me to quit. I have invested so much energy, time, and money so I decided to let it go. Well, I have experienced worse stuff before this so this was pretty acceptable though a monster raging inside me.

It wasn't over, the military discipline. It continued though I wasn't in military camp anymore. I think the life I had in this place is worse than the military camp because of unsupportive environment where I also hate where I belonged. As I have told you here, perhaps it seems more relaxed and fun in terms of classes. But I just hate the group where I belong. The fact that I surrounded with bunch of ambitious fellas made me uneasy. I wish the time passes by quickly so I don't have to deal with them or face them in raging emotion within me. Finally June was finally over and I will face another adventure, hoping that this one is more comfortable and less-pressuring unlike the days I had in June.

July 2019, I finally work in more serious way. I was assigned to have an internship period for a month in Bogor. Though it was more like introduction of my company business process stage rather than serious job assignment. At this stage, I learned about operational business process, the end-to-end journey of the company's main product selling. Since it was too short, I didn't think I absorbed sufficient knowledge to understand the company business process. I have to say that I am a slow burner as well. I might look understand something instantly but that doesn't make me understand the detailed picture of a process, I tend to capture the big picture only. Despite all kind of things before this stage, I found my life in Bogor was quite comfortable. I liked the empty train I always took in the morning, I liked the people and the environment. I liked Bogor as well. It's just I don't want to work there because I'm looking for something bigger. Although I won't hesitate to accept working there if the place I'm currently in centred in Bogor as the city, not as the local area office. The internship experience I had in Bogor totally pay back the rage and hatred I received two months earlier.

The beginning of August was the beginning of everything else afterwards. The selection process was 80% done, it was the time for the actual (and forever) career defining journey. I was lucky because I got a place in Jakarta as I expected. Somehow I thankful for pursuing Master degree, it wasn't such a waste of time. I was placed in Strategic corporate unit and again, met surprising people that I haven't ever been close before. Turned out these ambitious people are great friends, they do ambitious and high achiever, but they know how to manage social life well. August was also the greatest month for me because for the first time in forever, DBSK held their solo concert in Indonesia. The best news was I was able to watch their concert for free, which of the Lord's favour would I deny? This sounds I keep connecting dots and influenced under Barnum effect, truthfully August always become a good month for me. Is it because August is the month when I was born? Or I just fancy August for that reason? Everything's going well and smoothly in August. The negative side of August if I have to tell you was the fact that I haven't assigned to the proper sub-directorate unit I am supposed to belong.

It took 1,5 months for the 6 of us (the individuals who are assigned in Strategic unit) to finally placed at the workplace. We've been kept for that long under the Director, directly and basically doing nothing. In the mid of September 2019, we were introduced as a greener in the unit and we started another blank page of adulthood. This time, we were working for real. I worked for real cause, entering professional corporate environment. Settled up in a brand new environment quite take a while for me, but I got hands on me. Everybody in my team are so helpful, I learned bit by bit about the work I'm gonna do for the next 2 or more years. I am assigned in a great team and contribute in giving news insights, which I don't think that was good enough. Compared to my peer, I think I am luckier. The environment is pretty cool, I just cannot get along to the social culture. Overall it was okay, I couldn't ask for more. If it's just going to cost me 2-3 years then I will be okay. Longer than 5 years? I need to re-think my position and seeking for another opportunities out there. In this month too, since I consider I need to put on a good shape for my body I started dancing class. It went well, again, I met new people, new environment. I'm glad that I finally have another activities besides working. In addition this dancing class will keep me sane despite the pressure of working. I began to love my self more and love my routine.

Less than a month assigned in a sub-directorate, things getting out of control. October was the busiest month because the unit I'm in was facing a deadline to submit a corporate document. My team actually wasn't involved too deep in the process however since the boss is typical family guy he asked us to go anywhere together, talking about the progress of the document. We were doing full-day workshops outside Jakarta which means I got more income from the business trip. As a greener, nothing makes me happier than receiving more pocket money, is it just me? Hahaha. Though it was the busiest month this year, I was happy and haven't got pressured too much. I learned bit by bit, I got a grip of the big picture. Though if you ask me the detail, I might need to recall or re-read the work I have done. I am not that smart, so don't expect too much.

In just a blink of eye, time passes by. Without I even realise, it was November already. It means i have worked another 1.5 months in the sub-directorate and that means by then I already understand what are the main goals of working in the unit/team. At this moment too, I gradually learn what to do and what not, I started to get the impressions of each individual in the unit. There were some people I need to keep distance from, there are few that might get close to me and I open the access. Slow but sure, I also receive more difficult task from the boss. At some point, I still think I wasn't good enough. I keep thinking do I need more time to learn? Or maybe it's just turned out to be something not I expected so I feel burdened. I decided to go to Singapore once I received huge lump sum of money. I spare few to be deposited. The rest I used it to make my self happy. Happy well-being leads to a good life. I keep maintaining the sports by regularly attending the dance class. So far, in November I felt good. I bought new phone to replace my old android phone, I went to Singapore, I still write but the number of posts are diving compared to the years earlier.

It's been almost a year since I returned from London, it feels like yesterday. Until the end of 2019, I can't even forget the lingering feelings of being in London during the winter. However I'm getting better, since I got busier late this year I got distracted and not to think about London too much. Don't get me wrong, I still want to go back there though. This December, I eventually decrease the sense of longing to London. I have settled back in Indonesia, my sleeping hours has become normal as I was before London. To think about it again, time passes too quickly that I can't even hold a tight grip of it. It was last year that I'm back to Indonesia. And this December I already have a job, a good one you might say. I have lived alone, out from home, haven't got home for the past six months. And it's the time to reflex on what has happened this decade.

I discovered Day6 this December, pretty late but I never regret. I collected their album and planned to go to their concert next year. Day6 has distracted me from the pressure and stress I experience lately. Finally, I found the purpose of living again. Thanks to these guys!

Anyway, speaking of going home I thought the stupidity I kept doing while I was in Europe has vanished. I always been wrong with all things in my life, I still bring the idiot side with me until now. Last Christmas holiday, I planned to go back home. I just want to be at home, meeting my friends there, recharging energy. I did another stupid mistake by deliberately re-scheduling the flight but I didn't pay for it. Then assuming if I didn't pay then it won't be rescheduled. Turned out, my decision leads me to another endless stupidity episode I've done. I wasn't able to go home, I had to cancel the return ticket, and it costed me a lot. Like a lot! Then I spent Christmas holiday locked in my room miserably. But it was fine at the end because I still have Day6 and Netflix.

I sincerely hope that I will get rid of these hilarious actions I keep doing next year. I sincerely wish I will be able to live comfortably without being too clumsy. Last time I travelled, everything went alright but not by the end of the year.

In this post I would take the opportunity to look back for anything that I have done during this decade. I mean this blog has already managed a decade as well, I started writing in this blog July 2009. What a time to be alive, right? Indirectly speaking, this blog witnessing the journey of my life for these past 10 years. If I have to look again, it was like a glimpse of yesterday. When I started this blog, I was in high school. Creating the blog for the purpose of giving informations, I still do that though I couldn't see the storm of video and graphic contents are coming later this decade. For me, and I keep repeating this, writing is healing. So I will keep writing until I don't have the desire to write more.

Re-reading my old post in 2009 marked the journey for me to be a K-Pop fans as well. The ups and downs of my life. Starting from an outgoing high school student who was the President of Student Council, having temper issues to an agnostic sophomore to a hijabi women. In 2009, I never saw my self to be able studying abroad without a single penny from my parents. I always been an independent kid but living abroad by myself is a whole new thing. I have accomplished stuffs that looks fancy for other people. Actually it wasn't that luxurious or incredible in the perspective of the one who did it.

Back to my younger self, I was ambitious yes but never crossed to a path that I would be in my current place. My dream back then was to work as an IT engineer, I turned down the dream because I no longer interested in coding or IT field. Then I simply wanted to be part of Financial Ministry through their institutional education: STAN which I failed on their sports assessment. This decade, I have been experienced so much failure, failing STAN twice (both on the sports assessment which was quite illogical), and failing LPDP. Would that ever stop me for chasing what I want? Apparently not. I successfully awarded LPDP Scholarship at the second try.

During the high school era, I was well-known to be the brightest student. At the end of the study, I don't even get the best score parallel. Looking back, I was so upset I didn't end up being the first rank at my last year in high school. At the same time, not gaining the first place never become a problem later in my life. Despite not ranked first, I managed to study abroad and landed a pretty well-paid job compared to my friends. Since then, I see the world differently. Like, I don't even have to compete with anybody unlike what I did during the school era. Though someone may seems better off than me, I am no longer worried because I will achieve what I really want to achieve. This part of my journey in terms of seeking peaceful mind took quite long, I am no longer become a competitive person like I was. I consider that as my highest achievement. I love my self currently and I don't want to change.

For a decade, I've been changed a lot, I knew that. I'm taking it slower than I used to do and easily being sincere for everything that I do. There are part of me that I didn't change, the outgoing and happy-go-lucky personality. Other than that, I started to take off negativity over me. I always perceived my self as a positive person even before 20. However, when I reflected to my high school era, I was toxic. The fact that I lost my best friend during college and I had quarrelled with a friend during high school help me to become who I am today. I have trust issues, I put boundaries, I don't want to get too close, I pulled my self from socialising. But that doesn't mean I am not a social butterfly, I'm just taking a friendship lightly. I don't want to get too serious when it comes to have a friendship, this doesn't apply for few cases though. At least in terms of dealing with problem, somehow I am calmer than I used to be.

So yeah, from 2009 to 2019 I have been crossing almost of my bucket list even few things that I haven't thought when I was young. To look back on my achievement, it's still not enough later but it's okay for now. I am in the position that I am so lucky to finally posses what I currently have and I bet there are lots of people out there who wants to be like me. I hope things will go well for the next decade. I don't ask much, I just want to be happy and able to do things I am passionate in. Hopefully, you who read this post will achieve what you already have in mind too.

Welcome 2020! Let's walk together in happiness and sincerity! Let's become someone who is better than who we are yesterday.